How many do you recognise?
1 Getting to the airport ridiculously early
“The M25 will be a nightmare if we leave it”
2 On the journey, reading out loud all the signs he sees
“10 miles to the services”
3 Being amazed that you can get the same things abroad that you can get in the UK
“These are Walkers. They call them ‘Lays’! But they’re Walkers!”
4 Buying and wearing a holiday souvenir t-shirt or hat
Suns out, hats out.
5 Filming very long videos of unremarkable things – and commentating all the way through
“And this is the muster point”
6 Warning you to stay away from the local dogs and cats – “they’ve got rabies”
All continental dogs are crazy.
7 Asking the family “Do you fancy an ice cream?”. Then asking Mum for some money.
“Mint choc chip for me”
8 Analysing the local restaurant’s menu in detail – then asking the waiter about the specials
9 Speaking English in a slight foreign accent and making up his own complex sign language
“Scu–zay me! Avez you the direcionnes to the beach. Bee–ach!” *makes sea wave motion with hands*
10 Striding to the pool in embarrassing swimwear
This is why BHS is going bust – he hasn’t been back since buying these in 2002.
11 Attempting to build over-ambitious sandcastles
Rome wasn’t built in a day, but it doesn’t stop him having a go in sand-form
12 Falling asleep somewhere random in the middle of the day
“Just resting my eyes”
13 Obsessing over the local cash machine charges
“This is how they make their money”
14 Protecting the family assets – passports, currency – in his money belt
“Give me a second, I’ll get out some change”
15 At some point announcing “It’s too hot”
“I like hot, but this is tooo hot”