Young children have no filter on what they say and are more than happy to talk about what is on their mind. Often very loudly and in public. This leads to some hugely embarrassing moments for their red-faced parents, desperately trying to distract them. Here are 30 things straight from the mouths of children that will make you cringe!
1. Mummy tummy
“Look mum, they don’t have wibbily tummies like you do.”
Said whilst I was changing at the swimming pool next to a gaggle of laughing teenage girls.
Via Mumsnet
2. Long hair = girl
Crowded doctors waiting room, extremely rotund gentleman with loooong hair walks past.
Strident 3 year old DD “Mummy, that one has girls hair like a girl! Look! Like a girl! He’s a man but with girls hair? Why does he have hair like a girl? Look mummy, girls hair, on that one!” Me desperately trying to shush her, thought she’d finished, went quiet for a moment then said “Mummy, he is CHUBBY.”
Poor man I felt horrible.
Via Mumsnet
3. Doctor kiss it better
My most mortifying toddler moment to date was when I was having a gynaecological exam at the doctors. Had left my two-year old son looking after his baby brother in his buggy whilst I slipped behind the curtain.
Doctor sets up in position, lowers the great big light between my legs, and leans forward to begin examination… just then a great big voice pops up from his side of the curtain “mummy, is the doctor kissing you better now?!”
Not the words you want to hear when a strangers face is two inches from your bits. Oh the shame. I die a little bit inside every time I remember that moment….
Via Mumsnet
4. Superheroes
We were visiting family in the City and a lady walked past in a Burka .
Son – look mum its Batman
Me – …
Ds – points to the lady and repeats himself over and over again.
Me – trying to shush him and failing miserably.
Thankfully the lady had a big smile on her face and was laughing even though I was dying inside.
Via Mumsnet
5. Big bear
My daughter (in a penetrating voice while everyone was in silent contemplation): MUMMY! There’s a bear in here, look!
Me: shush, remember to be very quiet.
Daughter: (louder) But it is a bear! Is it going to eat us up?
Me: shush, no, it’s just a lady.
Daughter: (bewildered) but why is she pretending to be a bear?
Lots of sniggers all round, woman in fur coat looks round, totally pissed off.
Daughter: It is a lady! Mummy! Mummy, you were right, it is a lady. But why is she wearing a bear costume in the church? Is it suitable to wear that in the church, Mummy? (We had previously had a “disagreement” about the suitability of wearing a Snow White costume to church)
I was mortified. And fur coat woman was so annoyed she pointedly avoided shaking my hand during the offering of peace later in the service.
Via Mumsnet
Image via Flickr user Don Shall
6. Suspicious “string”
My son once shouted in a busy changing area whilst I tried some trousers on…
Son: “whats that mammy?”
Me: “what?”
Son: “there! Mammy its a bit of string!”
Me: “shush there’s not!”
Son: even louder “but there is mammy. There’s a blue string!!! Is it up your bum?
Me: “no!”
Son: “can I look?”
Me: “no you can’t stop it”
Son: “pleeeeeeeease mammy. Let me look at the string coming from your bum?!”
Me: “its not in my bum be quiet”
Son: “where is it coming from then?”
Me: “nowhere. Stop looking…”
I never bought the trousers and fled the shop rather red in the face
Via Mumsnet
7. Questionable gender
My niece when aged 3 asked the lady behind the counter in the co-op whether she was a lady or a man. When the poor woman said she was a lady dn asked her why she had a beard
8. Painted man
When my daughter spotted a man with a lot of tattoos on the train was fairly embarrassing. “Mummy, look – that man has drawn all over himself. Why has he done that Mummy? It looks really silly doesn’t it Mummy? When will he wash it off Mummy? What a silly thing to do” …
Via Mumsnet
9. Get if off the internet
I was mortified last week when my son, age 4, piped up
“Daddy, if you like boobies, you have to put a message on the internet saying you like boobies and then you’ll get some!”
After several attempts of me asking what he meant he said
“Well for my Birthday when I see something I like you get it off the internet and the postman brings me a present”. Phew!!
Via Mumsnet
10. Stuffed birds
On a trip to BirdWorld, Granny bought my two-year old son two stuffed birds, painstakingly advised him at length that they were a blackbird and a cockatoo.
Next day, shopping in Croydon, new favourite toys along for the day, mistakenly left the Cockatoo in the car. Queue frantic dash down main shopping parade back to carpark with ds1 shouting and screaming at top of his lungs, “BlackBird Want Cock!, BlackBird Want Cock!”
Via Mumsnet
11. Durex
DS learning to read went through a phase of sounding out any and every word he could see – standing in queue at Boots and he spots something in the basket of chap in front that catches his eye “d..u..r..e..x, d..u..r.. Mummy what does that say is it drex? What’s drex? Is it sweets in that box? Can I have some please?” red faced bloke in front and stifled sniggers from people behind
Via Mumsnet
12. Very public toilet
We were walking in a forest and stopped briefly to talk to a family coming from the opposite direction and my 2.5 year old daughter announces “My mummy just did a wee on the ground”. It was true, there were no loos I had to go.
Via Mumsnet
13. Hide and seek
My daughter at Gatwick waiting on flight to North Africa.
Group of Muslim ladies with headscarves.
Mummy! Look at those silly girls, they are playing hide and seek but they are doing it wrong. One of you has to COUNT.
They’re silly, aren’t they mummy?
Via Mumsnet
14. Hairy body parts
Took my son, 3, swimming last Summer and we were getting changed in the cubicle.
Son: “Mummy,you don’t have many hairs on your fanny do you”?
Me: “shh, get changed”
Son: “Daddy has and he has lots of big curly hairs on his bum too”
Me ” shh, put your trunks on”
Then getting into the pool an elderly gent walked past wearing speedos,
Son “Mummy you can see that man’s balls, eurgh, and his widge”
I swear I practically dive bombed into the pool
Via Mumsnet
15. Girlfriend or boyfriend?
My son aged 7 asking a sixth former if he had a girlfriend to which the poor boy blushed and said no. My son then pipes up, “go on you can tell me… I bet you have a boyfriend instead”. Poor lad didn’t know where to put himself!
Via Mumsnet
16. Primates
Son: (3ish): that man looks like a monkey (he was black).
Me: Sussh its really rude to say things like that
Son: But you call me a monkey (as in the ‘cheeky variety’). And I don’t even look like one. He does cos he’s brown
Me: Shussh,l stop saying it its rude
Son: Monkey Man! Monkey Man!
I was beyond mortified!
Via Mumsnet
Image via Flickr user John Bullas
18. Sex toys
Used to work in a preschool. While talking to a group about body parts…we got to penis…and one little kid shouted “MY MUMMY HAS ONE OF THOSE IN A DRAWER!” Omg…could not look that parent in the face for weeks!
Via Babycenter
19. Mummy’s name
My wife just told me a good one from her childhood. She was little and had not been talking for long. Her grandparents were trying to get her to say everyone’s name (What’s your brother’s name, what’s your father’s name, etc…). They said “What’s your mummy’s name?” and she replied “Mummy.”
“No, I mean, what name does your daddy call your mummy?”
Lightbulb
“Bitch”
Via Reddit
20. You forgot …
My then 4 year old daughter came tearing up the feminine hygiene aisle at Tesco shouting MUMMMY MUMMY YOU FORGOT YOUR LADY NAPPIES
Via Netmums
21. Number 1 … or 2?
When we went camping earlier this year, my husband had a couple of embarrassing incidents with our 5 yr old son. He took him to the toilet/shower block, while they were queueing for the showers a man went into a cubicle (as opposed to the urinal) and ds piped up loudly “that man needs a poo doesn’t he daddy?”
Via Netmums
22. Facial hair fascination
A lady was walking passed us and just as she stepped passed my daughter pipes up loudly “I thought that lady was a man then cos she had a hairy chin”.
Via Netmums
23. Made a splash
At the last minute we decided to go to a fairly posh restaurant (you know the type that has the ‘perfect’ lighting and gives you different sets of cutlery for each course). I took my little boy, seven years old, to the toilet and when we came back to the table we were sitting at, he proudly announced at the top of his voice to everyone, “I just did the biggest poo ever!! It made a huge splash and left loads of marks!!”
Via Netmums
24. Nosebleed?
I remember my mum took my little sister into the toilet with her. When my sister came out of the toilet (she was about 4) she announced to the world that my mum had a nose bleed in her knickers
Via Netmums
Image via Flickr user Fionnaigh McKenzie
25. No knickers
I was at a friends wedding a while back, her 4 year old daughter was a bridesmaid.
Anyway, midway through the ceremony she needs the toilet, so her aunt takes her. But the child was wearing this big silly dress and couldn’t get to her knickers in time and ended up wetting herself a bit. Now the little girl was very upset, and being a nice auntie, Kate told her that it was fine, she could go back to the wedding with no knickers on and no-one would know!
The girl wouldn’t believe that no-one would know, so Kate told her that she hadn’t got to the toilet in time and she wasn’t wearing knickers either!! So then the little girl goes back into the church happily.
When she got to the alter and stood next to her mum, she announces at the top of her voice, “mummy I weed in my knickers but it’s okay because auntie Kate weed in hers too!!”
Fair to say it was hilarious but Kate was mortified!!!
Via Netmums
26. What’s in the box?
My husband took my 4-year-old son to his uncle’s funeral. When they were bringing the casket in or out of somewhere, my son said (pretty loudly), “What’s in the box?” Luckily it got a few laughs, but ohhhh that was not one of his finest moments!
Via Thestir
27. What goes into your mouth?
I work as a nanny in a posh area. I took the kids to a really crowded park one day and the 2 year old picked up a leaf and put it near his mouth. I told him “we only put food in our mouths” and his normally very quiet, very sweet 4 year old sister spoke up and LOUDLY said “AND PEE-PEES”. Um…I should have let it go but she has a speech impediment so I thought maybe I had heard her wrong. I asked her what she said and she said “and pee pees! Mummy puts daddy’s pee pee in her mouth!”. I almost died laughing. Apparently my very conservative boss was having “relations” with her husband one night and their daughter walked in (long after her bedtime and they thought they had their door locked). It was super dark and they thought they jumped apart right away. Guess not!
Via Babycenter
28. No need to walk
My daughter had just stopped using her buggy cause I was changing from a double to single, she would have been about two and a half. Anyway one day we were down town and there was a lady in a wheelchair and my daughter starts shouting mummy why do I have to walk, that ladies in a buggy and she’s bigger than me. Luckily the lady laughed and explained to my daughter that she had had an accident and her legs didn’t work.
Via Netmums
29. Matchmaker
My son is nearly 4 and embarrasses me at least once a day. The most current thing he is obsessed with is match making me!
We were on the bus, sat at the back so he was facing me. It was quite busy so a young man came and sat at the back with us. This caused my son to get match making.
‘Mum, you can’t sit near him, he’s not your boyfriend’
‘Mum, do you want him to be your boyfriend?’
‘I will get him to wink at you’
‘Man, excuse me, wink at my mum please, no one winks at her’
‘He’s not doing it mum!’
‘Aww, no one wants you’
‘Man, excuse me, do you want to kiss my mum?’
‘He not listening to me mum!’
He was listening but he was too busy laughing with the rest of the bus to answer!
Via Mumsnet
30. Walk of shame
You’ve reminded me… many years ago, my son in the potty-training phase so got lots of praise for doing wees and poos in his potty. I went into a public loo. Looong queues but finally got a cubicle. My son did a wee, then I had my turn…
My son announces in a BIG loud voice: ‘Well DONE, Mummy, that’s a lovely big poo!’
I heard sniggers… waited… then realised the queue was so long we were going to have to open the door and walk out in front of everyone…
Via Mumsnet
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